Life & Times of Luis Javier

(X-mas at my grandmas)

I will like introduce you to my uncle
He's name is Javier and like any Bad Ass uncle
he pays my bar tabs when we go on binges,
gave me a free trip to Cancun,
And
he's there overall since my dad went m.i.a.
Story goes:
I'm in the restroom doing number two and reading my book as usual, thinking about how great it is to be alive in the gutter and all that good jazz.
I return to my room to like 2 missed calls from Uncle Javier.
He calls me every other day trying to get me drunk or to tell me how drunk he got the previous night. So it's around midnight and I give him a ring back
RING RING RING***
Uncle Javier in Spanish
"Ya VALIO VERGA VEN POR MI VEN POR VEN POR MI, SI NO ME VA LLEVAR LA VERGA"
me:
"QUE PASO ENDONDE ESTAS?" in a very worried voice.
Him:
"AQUI ALADO DE CHEERS EN LA GASOLINERIA. VEN POR MI VAH VALER VERGA. PASAME A BETO"
(Beto is my step dad and he's a deputy
so he gets all kinds of crazy calls all the time but he was asleep and not picking up.)
so I run downstairs, wake em up and luckily the cop knew my step dad and just told em
"Come pick up your brother in law, He's beyond drunk"
My step dad thanked em and told us to step on it before they can em.

I thought he was drinking and driving.
So my momster and I take off and she's talking about how he needs to grow the fuck up and quit getting drunk all the time.
I stayed quite, I got no room to talk.
We get to the store he was at to find him with two cops talking, giving em a story of some sort trying to entertain em so they wont get bored and just take his ass in.
my mom talks to the cops, takes his car and he hops on with me.
I will never forget his drunk smile of triumph,
I straight up laughed and asked "what you do tonight?"
replies with a "NO SE WUEY"
Laughing even more
while listening to Dr.Dre
he starts rapping!
he says
"LA HUBBA HUBBA, LA HUBBA HUBBA"
I have no idea what he was trying to say but he said that.
So we take him home. My grandpa opened the door and I explain, hes a little drunk and he needed someone to pick him up and my grandpa asks straight up "are you drunk too?" I told em no. He said that's good and said "ESTE NO TIENE BERGUENSA" (he's got no shame) and put his ass in bed.
LONG story short
Cops said he was asleep in his car for like 3 hours till the store clerk called the cops. He woke up to a light on his face. Got hassled and as they were trying to ask em questions he was just too drunk to respond but somehow blurred my step dads name out, that's where he got his break.

This is one in a million stories.
He's a kid trapped in a mans body.
You think I'm careless? talk to my uncle.
Falls asleep anywhere when hes drunk.
It's hilarious.
Doesn't mean hes not responsible
he's a respectable man in society and NEVER misses work
when he's hungover he drinks like 10 coffees,
he tells me all the time.
So if you ever see uncle Javier in the streets say hi to him.
You can find em at the rumors happy hour from Monday through Friday.
Dude is off the chain.
His msn screen name "Quieres volar pues te vas a volar!!!"


Another funny one is when we went to Cancun
he would drink bacardi cubas like ALL day from the moment he woke up
till he passed out.
It's a talent!
He was hammered it was like 4 ish and were getting on a ferry to go to some island.
There's like some band on the ferry but they aren't anywhere near the instruments....
He looks at me and says
"it's kinda boring right?"
I say "yeah wheres the band that suppose to be playing?"
Should have never informed em.
He got up and smiled
didn't think much of it till I hear:
"QUE CALOR ooohh ehhh oohhh"
and his playing that one stupid instrument at the same time
LAUGHTER all around
Good times.
I don't know how he got this careless.
He used to be like all nerd burger.
One day he woke up and got rebellious.
Mid-life crisis I guess

He's always talking about my brothers ears.
calls em Dumbo but in Spanish
"DDOOOOMMMBO"

Update*
he wasn't too pleased about my entry he messaged me via msn:

w****garcia@hotmail.com says:
no mames borralo puto

LOL